Just can't do it...

Okay I can do it, I just really do NOT want to... Yep, I am talking about going back to work... I am sick to my stomach, teary eyed, sad, lethargic, etc... Yep, I think I am in total depressed mode... I don't think it all has to do with work but it does play a huge part in my current life...

I miss my mom so much... I know people understand but it just doesn't feel like it... I just want to sit in a corner and just cry... I want her to be here on Earth with us... I don't just want to "talk to her"... I want to hear her voice... I want her to tell me that everything will be okay... Not sure I would believe it, but she would help me through it...

I wish Terry had a job where he was guaranteed 40 hours of work on a continuous basis... I wouldn't HAVE to go back to work then... I hate that his jobs don't guarantee stability...

I hate being sad all the time... I hate that I always feel like I have to put on my big girl panties and live life... I am tired of pulling up/putting on big girl panties... I want to be able to have my own public pity party... I want people to call me and talk to me... I want people to come visit me and hold me... I just want to feel loved... I don't feel loved... Of course I have always heard that if you don't love yourself, how can you love others?  I really don't believe that... I love my girls, my husband, and dad more than anybody knows... they definitely keep my heart beating daily...

I feel that I am just rambling now... Guess I will curl up under the covers and sleep... :(

So sad...

I am just miserable... Less than 48 hours I will be back to work... I do NOT want to go back.. I do NOT want to step foot back in that place... I just do NOT want to... Of course I will do my best at my job like I always have because I am grateful for a job but I will continue to look for a new one...

Girls are both babysitting today... I have not done anything... I went back to bed, slept until 11 and here it is 3 p.m. and still lounging on the bed... Gotta get moving soon and get a shower... Just want to sleep, sleep, and sleep...

Just so sad....

Here I go again...

Oh where to begin...

Yesterday we got a letter from an attorney that is representing the people involved in the accident with Paige... They are requesting pay for personal injuries sustained in the auto accident... They were all walking ahead, climbing up on the boat that they were pulling, the deputy told me that they were absolutely fine... Not sure what injuries they sustained but supposedly insurance will take care of it... Let's pray!

Also got 3 major bills coming up next week... So I guess we will pay them all and if we need extra money we will pull money from savings... which is also dwindling fast... We just have to watch our spending... We have been in rougher stops and made it through so we will this time... At least we have savings... never had one in the past so for that we are thankful...

Friday I head back to work... I do not want to... I tear up everything time I think about it... I no longer like my job... Got a possible job chance but it is a wait and see kind of thing... So I guess I will just suck and start back to work... :(

Then there is my dad... It is always a job to make sure he is doing okay... right now, he isn't feeling well... not sure what is going on but if it continues, I will get him into the doctor...

So today, I will put that smile on my face and continue on because that is what I am supposed... :/

Another day...

Sleep has eluded me lately... I think my mind just won't shut off... At this point, I am absolutely no use to anyone... so once again today, I will put on my big girl panties, pull them up, and hold them in place until I learn to keep them on and up...

I really have no reason to complain... some people are dealing with issues that I wouldn't wish on anyone... so really, is my life that bad?  No it isn't but damn it... I want my pity party... I want someone to help me... I want someone to take my hand and tell me (and then show me) that everything will be okay... Words are just words... I need to see something...

I will write more later... Gotta take daughter to babysit... Plan is to come home, reset the alarm, and try to get some sleep...

Bad, bad day...

Today I woke up to just pure anxiety.... I think it is just everything from the last 9 months that just hit me all at once... My mom passing away, Terry working away from home, some of his jobs being cut short and hours being short and scrambling for the next job, not wanting to go back to work for the upcoming school year and finally the girls having a horrible car wreck on Sunday... Plus of course, "Aunt Flo" came to visit me so I think that is what all brought it to a head today...

I have been a hot mess all day long... I want to just close off the world and relax but I can't... What if my dad needs me... what if the girls need me... what if someone else needs me... And of course, my dad did call me this morning because he hit the wrong button and couldn't get his tv to work... I am in Alton when he calls... However, I was able to talk him through it and it got his tv to work again...

Terry got a text that the job he is currently working at (started July 31st) will end August 16th, instead of November 3rd. The company went ahead and hired a full time permanent person instead of a contract person so back to recruiters we go... While I know he will get another job, it is just frustrating...

 I go back to work on August 16th... today is August 6th... I have 10 days left... My plan was to look for a job this summer... I am no longer in love with my job... I always told myself that once I get to the point where I hate going to work, I would find another job... I broke that promise to myself... I will continue to look for a job while I go back to work...

Then Sunday night, my worst fear came true... Paige called me hysterical... All I could get out of her was Walmart, fire, wreck... I was about 10 miles away... Seemed like it took forever to get to her and Cassie... On the way there, a fireman and an EMT talked to me... they were going to transport the girls by ambulance from the scene... Luckily I got there before they left and tried to calm them (and me) at the same time... They were okay... Cass had a little scratch by her eye and Paige got a burn on her inner left wrist from the air bag... They were so lucky... I am sure my mom was in that car with them... We went to see the car yesterday and my heart just dropped to my toes... So thankful that the girls are still with us... Their injuries could have been severe to fatal... The guilt of not being there with the girls and even letting them make that drive with her only having her license for 4 days is just eating me up inside... Why in the world would I allow her to drive in that area... It is much busier than what she was used to... Ultimate parent failure!

Yesterday was filled with dealing with car/insurance things... Since we only had liability on the car, I had to get the car out of the tow yard quickly... I got a salvage yard to buy it and tow it after I went to pay the ridiculously, high bill... Luckily the bill was cut in half because of the check we got from the salvage yard... For that, I am thankful also...

As of now, Paige has no desire to drive at all... she is a little nervous to even ride in a vehicle... I know in time, that will pass... I just feel bad because she is out of a car and we do not have any money for another one... Another ultimate failure on my part...

I think that is all I will write for now... so much more to say...